Sunday, May 27, 2007


I am inspired to write this dialog model post after reading Captain Smack posting which featured conversation between Jesus and Elvis on midget.

One day, Dickhead, a linguistic student got nothing to do during break. He has to wait for another 3 hours for next lecture. So he decided to go to the bar. Soon he arrived there, he ordered a schooner of beer and grabbed a magazine from the rack. Before reading the mag, he took his Champion Ruby out of his pocket and made a nice one roll of cigarette. His reading time was disrupted by Shithead who sit down next to him.

Shithead: "How are you mate?" Got any class today?

Dickhead: "Not too bad. Will have one in the afternoon."

Shithead: "What are you reading?" Oh no, it's crap mag. Put it away and you look so serious reading that shit."

Shithead was curious to know what makes him so serious.

Shithead: "Are you reading about sex section?"

Dickhead: "This one is interesting, you know. It's about a girl who is complaining about her boyfriend's habit during foreplay."

Shithead: "Foreplay is always interesting, isnt it?. But what makes this one deserve your attention?. Is it your girlfriend sending the letter?"

Dickhead: "No. But listen, this girl is telling that her boyfriend always goes down straight to her clitoris when they are about to start as though her body is not worth stimulation."

Shithead: "Won't blame him though. He perhaps believes that clitoris is the centre of women pleasure."

Dickhead: "Yeah, but i am thinking there might be a name for this kind of habit, you know".

Shithead: "What do you mean?"

Dickhead: "Well, like kleptomania, alcoholic and so on. If there is no term for it, it should be made up. These days people are making up new words, but they seem to forget to make this one. We have hoover, blogsphere, shagathon, and upskirting."

Shithead: "Easy, just add compound then it becomes new word, doesnt it? Like Clitmania or whatever.

Dickhead: "Clitmania might confuse with Kleptomania."

After pause for a while. Dickhead shouts.

Dickhead: "Eureka! How about clitoholic? Sounds good, doesn't it?. It is like shopaholic and alcoholic.

Shithead: "Wow, that is a good one. You are brilliant! Anyway, i was wondering if there is a name for a person who is fetishising broccoli. So the name will be broccoholic. It is like a movie title you know, Erin Broccoholic. And it's good for surname too."

Dickhead: "It is Erin Brockovich, you shithead!".

Shithead: "Oh well, maybe they're gonna make the parody version of it, like Emma Broccoholic or something. Hey...
maybe we can make another one. In my gender studies class, we talk about MILF. You know, MILF is now becoming the subject of study especially after celebs having babies they are still trying to look sexually attractive."

Dickhead: "Mmm yummy mummy. I think for that one, Milfology is the most appropriate term."

Shithead: "Shit, that's awesome!". We should write that on our t-shirt. Let's do it now, i have a texter in my bag."

On Shithead t-shirt, Dickhead writes the word MILFOLOGY. After he finished and was satisfied, he asked Shithead to write CLITOHOLIC on his t-shirt.

Friday, May 25, 2007


I hate exam! Yes i really hate it. Today i had one and it felt like having the worse nightmare. No doubt i am not the one who don't like exam. Many students are perhaps having the same feeling against it.

The primary reason why i hate exam is that it freezes my brain. What i read last night or even a week before will completely be gone. Is it the pressure that makes me nervous? Perhaps. I like pressure and sometimes it makes me more productive. I heard many great thinkers (and great wankers) came up with brilliant idea when there are under pressure. Once i finished off all my 6 essays (about 15.000 words in total) in one and half month and got a satisfactory marks.

Exam is different. We only have one to two hours to write 1000-1500 words and it is handwriting. Do they know computer have been used widely in this modern world? My english knowledge is also a reason why i don't like exam. I won't be entitled to special consideration such as extra time. This rule only applies to students who have been living in Australia less than 3 years.

I prefer to write 3000 essay in 10 days than doing an hour exam. I like going to library and checking out books (as well as librarians, some of them are quite nice actually). Okay it is true and may be helpful for students to look up some tips at uni website. But not many people are able to write a concise essay in a short time.

Last year my history professor told us that he didn't want to have exam but 1000 words essay instead. Yay! And he shared his experience when he was an undergrad student in England. He had few beer before going to the class and was able to write sexual interpretation on Victorian architecture. Surprisingly he got high distinction for that. Up to now, he thought that was one of the best essay that he ever wrote.

Should i have drank beer before exam? Hell no. It would be even worse if i had some. So i have a cup of long black this morning. Was i doing well? I don't think so. Semester has finished after all.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

On Culture

On several times i heard people in Melbourne said something negative about Sydney. Full on, crazy, selfish are amongst the familiar label. But what gets up my nose is when people say that Sydney has no culture. Spurious comment! I am okay with any opinion even the harshest ones as long as the foundation of the arguments are strong. In this case, i don't see that comment strong enough. What do they think of culture? It's fucking big word and it's hard to find a single definition although it is possible to have one. I share my view on culture with a Welsh guy, Raymond Williams who said that culture is ordinary. And it is also a creative process of making meanings.

What kind of culture that Melbourne have to make themselves different to Sydney? There are some similarities in its cultural practices. Both in Melb and Sydney, vegemite is not a strange thing, except for tourists. I haven't heard people in Melbourne doing a ceremony before having toast and vegemite such as circling the table three times without any clothes. They eat vegemite toast like most Melbournian do. If we agree with Williams' notion on culture, vegemite on toast is a form of cultural practices which both Sydney and Melbourne have. Claim that Sydney has no culture in this sense is self-contradiction. It is equal to say that Australia has no culture or Melbourne has no culture.

But do Melbourne have potato cake and Sydney have potato scallop? It's all fucking the same thing, isn't it? Having a different name for a fucking potato does not mean they differ significanlty in their cultures or does not justify the claim that the other does not have a culture.

Yes i agree that Melbourne is great for fashion, music and food. However, Sydneysider can find these things in their city although a little bit expensive. They differ in these forms and these differents are markedly implying that each city has its own culture.

Here i am not a Melbourne-basher nor am i Sydney defender. I indeed like Sydney but not because it is better than Melbourne in general (the weather is perfect in Sydney, actually). It is rather an emotional thing. Sydney is the city where i began to have my sphere of existence since i left my country.

Monday, May 14, 2007

My cheekiness

I have to be honest that i am a cheeky person. It is my character and i can't do anything about it. My cheekiness sometimes helps me a lot in number circumstances but also gives me some problems.

My cheekiness worked well when i was approached by sales guy on the street. You know sometimes they are quite annoying and offensive as well. I am small and skinny but far from being categorised as little people (to be politically correct). I found it rude if a salesperson comes up to me and offers a great deal at their gym. I usually say "Sorry, i've got to go. Maybe next time".

In one occasion, there was a guy who was doing survey or something at Newtown. When he stopped me and asked if i had few minutes to answer questionnaire, i said, "ME NO ENGLISH" and made gesture with my hands. That worked well. He seemed to believe that and did not continue hassling me. When i walked about few steps, my mobile was ringing. I paused started to have conversation in English. I saw him looking at me with WTF look.

The "ME NO ENGLISH" response could save me from telemarketers as well. Soon i recognise people on the phone are from telemarketing companies, i said: "ME NO ENGLISH". They hang up pretty quickly.

When i travel by bus in Sydney i like to put my arse on the seat with the stop button in front of me and preferably choose to sit in the middle section. It is convenient. I don't need to introduce my armpit to a lucky person next to me when my hand tries to reach the button. Apart from convenient factor, sitting in front of stop button inspired me to make up a game. I always look at the front section of the bus. If there was a people who is far from the stop button, they have to walk a bit to press it or at least lean their body toward it. Usually when they are making effort to press it, i hit the button very quickly.

My regular customer was an old guy, a grumpy undies who comes to RSL (i call this place a glorified nursing home), a place that i used to work. He always sits at the front near the driver. Around 5.30 pm, he normally catches the same bus as me. I always do this pressing-the-button game with him without being noticed. With my move to Melboure, surely he will miss me.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Fight on a train

Last Wednesday i caught a train home from uni. As always i pick up carriage with less people which might be giving you peaceful moment for your trip. When i sat down for about five minutes. I heard noises at the back. It was from a couple who were arguing over something.

Normally i don't give a damn about this thing. But this fight was full on. It was a lot of shouting, yelling and crying as well. It got pretty annoying when abusive languages were frequently used and i knew that i was not watching Snatch. I was not sure what to do except waiting if things got worse. I looked around to observe what others people reaction to this. Most of them threw their eyes on them but quickly looked away once they looked them back. I supposed people were waiting if the fight started to get violent but thankfully it did not go further than argument.

It was quite awkward situation for me, and presumably for other passengers as well. I didn't want to invade their life by observing the fight. But i could not pretend as if nothing happened, could i? Maybe it was safe to let them fight in order to respect their privacy. Where is the privacy if they are talking very loud? People around them might not know the context but soon would probably learn what they were arguing. I just don't understand why a couple don't feel embarrassed to have a fight in public. Why don't they use mobile phone? Some phone carriers offer free text message to the same carrier. Use this services, won't you?

Anyway I was wondering what should people do if thing's like this happens. Should people come up to them and ask them to sort their problem out without causing disturbance to other people? Surely, that will make things even worse. "Back off mate, it is not your business" is perhaps the likely response that you will get. It could be worse than that. Is it better just wait until the fight finish? What happens if he hits her and one guy jumps in but get beaten up as well? Will some people help this poor lad out? If i jumped in, will others follow me? On what basis did i jump in if there was no physical violence? Or maybe it is better to stay away from the trouble and pretending that nothing happens.

It was pretty lucky that the train got packed gradually as it picked up more people in several stations. The tension remained but no more abusive languages.

Speaking about train, i found this sign in Melbourne Central train station is very interesting. It actually signifies the spot where you can hear information about the train. But my understanding is that the sign tells you the spot where you can find the latest news about Cricket as it has an ear and a cricket bat.