Requiescat In Pace

El pueblo unido jamás será vencido, ¡el pueblo unido jamás será vencido! ...

My phone was ringing. It is 3.00 am.

I heard my brother's voice said calmly: "Grandma is gone. It was at 9.00 pm."

"Oh okay", i said. I knew this is going to happen soon. But never expect this soon. She was okay the last time i spoke to my mum. It was just a little bit of trouble when she's breathing. "I am alright", she said to my mum.

Oddly enough, last weekend she called out my name three times just before i was about to ring my mum. So she was asked by my mum to speak to me. We had a brief talk and was surprisingly good as her elderly age make her hearing ability declined. Once she had a chuckle when i told her that i need to pile up money so i can visit her next year. Never realise that was the last laugh i would hear from her.

She died peacefully at 93 and that makes us feeling unburdened. But i still feel sad. So does anyone who feels the loss after she died. I wanted to cry but i could not. Not because of my 'masculine images' held me back for doing it, it is rather me not wanting to be selfish. I know it is absolutely fine to cry and it is even good to release your tense, anger and so on. But this time i thought if i cried for her that does not mean for her. It is rather for myself who did not want to accept the feeling of losing her.

My grandma is a typical Javanese woman. She is a resemblance of her generation where women ought to be obedient and are accepting the power of the husband. Like the other fortunate girls, she went to a Dutch school but tradition did not have any room for her, and other girls, but kitchen and bed. But she never complained, not even once. Her calmness and patience are two things that always fascinates me. She does not seem to like things deep-seated inside her. Perhaps her quietness would like to tell us more about this. But we never thought there was something underneath her silence.

She told my aunties that she was waiting for the right time as she did not have any responsibility anymore. "I am very old and with my age now, i just want to wait for the right time", she said in Javanese language. I am uncertain, however, whether yesterday was the right time for her. But surely with her readiness anyday could be perfect for her.

I can think of particular moments where we used to laugh together. She always laughed when i pretended to be an ambtenaar (working in the administration) and spoke a terrible Dutch. She laughed at my accent.

Since you knew that the right time will be up soon and you were ready for it, i could not do anything but saying goodbye. Usually i hate to say goodbye but this time, i could say goodbye without tears dropping from my eyes because you died in a very dignified way.