Tracing the past

Couple days ago in a chilly night i sat down at one of stairs in my backyard having a fag. Cigarette smoke and a mug of long black were only my loyal company. After 10 minutes i enjoyed my serenity i began to question why am i here and how could i be here right now. When you start thinking of your being, there is a tendency to look back at some moments from which you could make great leaps into the future. One of the moments have something to do with your obsessions or dreams. Whether they are in your grip or not, no doubt they are essential to determine which direction your life will head toward.

Having pondered these moments, i recalled my dreams in the past. It was quite brutal i would say as though i just pulled them out and chucked them on the floors and began to enjoy this self-observation.

Once i was dying to be a guitarist. Nearly two years, the only thing that floated around my head was the obsession of being a guitarist. I hung out a lot with some dudes whom i thought were perfect guru for me. The risk was that i can get easily immersed in things. So i picked up the created-images as musicians such as long hair, alcohol, drugs as a package of truth. I grew my hair regardless my parents' mouth foaming because my bogen hair style. I popped pills, smoked join and stayed up all nights at music studio. Youth Gone Wild once Sabastian Bach of Skid Row proclaimed.

I was in a band two times. One was super amateur and happy enough with glam rocks' ballad and TOP 40's song. More Than Words, Creep and To Be With You were amongst our repertoire. To Be With You was kind of my signature song actually. Normally teenage girls are impressed and fascinated with band boys. But that canon did not work for me even though i tried hard to impress them with my hyper average guitar skills. I have another band later on but this one was more into hardrock such as Bon Jovi. The drummer was the owner of music studio. When the equipments were hired we normally prepared ourselves and tried to have a word with the organiser if we could play some tune on stage. First gig was awful as we didn't get a chance to perform. But we went on and said: fuck it. Let's do it. It was quite embarrassing actually if we realised that we played as the crowd set off the building. Amphetamine kicked in pretty quickly and gave nothing than an excitement feeling of being a superstar (I stopped this habit ages ago). Once it finished, i wished i could say to my self: superstar my arse!

The idea of being a guitar player was slowly out of my head after i left high school. Having another crowd and preoccupied with new environment were some of the reason apart from being told by some guru that i needed to work more as i have some basic skills. Feeling discouraging perhaps.

My next obsession was to be an urban planner. So i went to uni in Jakarta and attempted to major urban planning. I didn't last long there. For two years what i did just hanging around with friends although i successfully submitted my assignment. Another reason why i picked up urban planning was my parents who convinced me this kind of course would be good for my career. It would be easier to get a job when i am graduated and most importantly i was told that i could earn more money. Money was the only way to gauge success. I was actually interested in studying philosophy at that time but my dad said, "What? Are you going to ride a bike for the rest of your life?" What he meant was clear that i couldn't afford to buy anything luxurious except bike.

After two years, i asked myself whether i really wanted to do this. Was money more important than anything else in the planet? These questions drove me mad and I struggled to find satisfying answers. From there, i began to find the answers through philosophy. Maybe i would find them. Having immersed reading profound stuff, i've decided to study philosophy. After a break from uni for about two years, i enrolled philosophy course. My dad was alright with this idea as i told him that he would be free of having responsibility to pay tuition.

Spending my time in a boring school and befriend with priest-wanna-be was one of my routine for two and half years, apart from working as volunteer in a social organisation. I was quite enjoying it actually. Maybe because i can talk bullshit in a very sophisticated way and people could be impressed. The only thing i loathed was to see my uni mates from congregations who liked to wear their coats. No joking, their coats are similar to what secret sect members in Eyes Wide Shut movies wear. Creepy!

Alas, my dream of becoming philosopher ruined as i've met my Australian girlfriend and fled to Sydney. It's not about her that i discontinued my study but something else. After these failures, i dread to dream again sometimes. I thought if i let my life flowing like the water in a small creek it would not be disappointed if something happened in the future against my will. Yet i am not saying that i don't put a lot of effort into what i am aiming now...but just don't want to put high expectations on it cause I like to change my mind pretty often. Inconsistent? No, i would say. I am just getting bored easily with things. Who knows, i might get bored blogging soon...

Here i am now learning to be historian in Australia. If my dad was still alive, i would say: "Dad, you told me that i could only afford to buy a bike if i am studying philosophy. Now i am not a philosopher anymore but a would-be historian and i can't afford to buy a bike." Worse than that...i can't even afford to dream.